An ode to rediculous e-mails
I usually do not read the numerous chain emails that people send to me but I stumbled upon this gem in my inbox this morning. It was too funny not to share.
As we progress through 2012, I want to thank everyone for your educational e-mails over the past year.
As a result, now:
· I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
· I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
· I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.
· Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
· I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
· I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
· I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
· I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
· I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
· THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
· BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
· I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
· I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
· AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
· I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
· I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
· And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
· THANKS TO YOU I can’t use any one’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
· AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
· Finally, I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
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